A Struggle
by jaysmarties
Summary: Blaine had been struggling for a while without anyone noticing. Now everything was spiralling and Blaine has lost control. The mask has slipped. Deals with mental health issues.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Disclaimer I do not own any of the characters of Glee. This is my own interpretation of Blaine's p.o.v. Blaine in this story will suffer from mental health issues – something I understand personally. I guess this is sort of therapeutic writing this.

Blaine had always struggled. He had issues like anybody else except he had become very good at hiding them. Except now he felt like everything was spiralling out of control and he didn't know quite how to cope anymore. Not quite sure how to stop that mask from slipping. Everything used to be easy, flash a smile and nobody questioned anything but now those smiles were far and fewer in between. The panic was constant and was ever so pulling him in to the darkness.

It all started when Kurt moved to New York. He had become anxious and stressed. Everything was started to become one big stress and his anchor was hundreds of miles away. Senior year had arrived, Kurt had left, he had expectations to maintain straight As, be the New Rachel and lead everyone in to a back to back Nationals win, be Class President, maintain a long distance relationship, be there for everyone and still pretend his home life was anything but normal. He was exhausted.

He had started to become stressed out with all the pressures at school. He needed that reassurance that he was good enough to do this, good enough to be THE Blaine Anderson. He needed to hear Kurt's reassuring voice.

"You know Cooper took more AP classes," His father commented at dinner. "He was senior class president and maintained a perfect 4.0 grade point average. I think that singing club is distracted you from getting in to a good college."

"I err will take more next semester – I am already taking four AP classes. I will take on more extra-curriculum." Blaine replied. He just did not understand why I could not make his dad happy. Well he knew what would make his dad happy but he was not about to go back in the closet for anyone.

"Me and your mother leave for a work thing tomorrow. We will be gone a couple of months." Blaine nodded. This was normal. This was his normal.

Dinner continued with his dad making small remarks and his mother sitting there in silence. He never understood why she never said anything but neither did he. Blaine took a deep breath; he preached courage yet he would not stand up for himself in his own home.

Dinner had taken its toll and Blaine walked up the stairs utterly exhausted. He needed to speak to Kurt.

"Hey!"

"Hey Kurt, how is everything going?"

"Actually I am really sorry but I have to go Isabelle has asked me to help her brainstorm so I am going to hers. Can you believe it I am going to Isabelle Wright's house?"

"Well-"

"I will talk to you tomorrow. Bye." Blaine stared at the phone. A new fresh panic was beginning to wash over him. Why would Kurt care about high school drama when he has a new amazing New York lifestyle. He took a couple of aspirins to calm down his pounding head and drifted off into an uneasy sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

laine walked down the halls of Mckinley. His head pounding and his chest tightening, there was a general feeling of uneasiness like something bad was going to happen. He could not figure out why he was feeling this bad. The uneasiness was slowly worsening. He should be happy he had won the Senior Class President elections and last night everyone had celebrated at Breadstix (a few days later than intended as Sugar wanted to organise the celebration for him and Sam). Blaine was currently a member of over 10 different extra-curriculum activities – he was going to go to be just a good as student as Cooper.

He had tried calling Kurt numerous times last night to actually let him know his boyfriend was the new Senior Class President but his calls and texts had not been answered.

He continued the rest of the day in the same panic induced daze. He debated about skipping the rest of the day and going home until Brittany caught up with him.

"Blaine Warbler, can you help me? I lost my map I drew to find the lunch hall – I think Lord Tubbington is using it to find gold and I can't remember where it is and-"

"It's okay Brittany I will take you to the lunch hall." Brittany linked her arm through Blaine's and they walked to the Cafeteria.

The whole walk Brittany explained her theory on why Lord Tubbington had her map Blaine nodded in response but all he could think of was could he do this? He felt a panic walking towards the Cafeteria that he had never felt before. He was actually anxious in going to eat somewhere that he had eaten every day for the past year.

"Are you okay?" Brittany asked stopping.

"Yes I am fine, just you know worried on what Lord Tubbington could be needing with that map." Brittany raised her eyebrow for a minute and then returned to talking about what her cat had been up to lately.

Once they had reached the cafeteria they went straight to a spare table. Both of them sat there staring at the interaction between Marley and Jake.

"Aren't you hungry Brit?" Blaine asked remembering that Brittany sometimes needed prompting to remember things like lunch.

"No. My tummy feels weird. It hurts sometimes and then I don't feel hungry. Usually when I am thinking of San."

"It's okay Brit, I know what you mean. I feel the same when I feel about Kurt." They continued to watch the interaction between Jake and Marley from a few tables away.

"Aw young love." Brittany sighed.

"Do you remember when you first started dating Santana and I started dating Kurt? Back before everyone was so busy and far away. Things were so much simpler. We had so much more hope and innocence. Everyday was like Valentine's day." Blaine looked at Brittany, she was in the same situation as him, so much had changed for her too.

"We are still young. Shouldn't we still be experiencing those things? " Blaine did not answer but looked back at Jake and Marley. They looked genuinely happy, he missed feeling like that, and he missed that sense of security with Kurt. His stomach lurched again and he felt the tightness in his chest again. He really needed to numb this feeling somehow.

That night he walked around his room for a while. The silent house echoing back at him. He needed to go for a drive and clear his head and see if the drive would change the strange feeling in his stomach because it really couldn't be good idea to take too many Zantacs.

He drove around for about an hour and pulled up. Scandals. He had driven there without even meaning to. A mix of horror and excitement floated around the car. He needed fun. A distraction and a fun night out from sitting in a big lonely house all night.

Blaine walked in. It was different to his first time there. It seemed relatively quiet, defiantly not a Drag Queen night. Blaine ordered a beer and pulled up a seat at the bar.

"Drinking alone?" A guy took the seat next to him. He was taller than Blaine with dark hair about twenty years old.

Blaine took a deep breath and smiled, "Not anymore" trying to ooze with confidence. He could feel the anxiety numbing and he started to feel different.

The guy sat next to him and they chatted. They drank some more and flirted. Blaine excused himself and went to the bathroom. He splashed some water over his face, to ease the tipsy feeling. He started to feel guilty about having a good time, what about Kurt?

"Are you okay?" The guy he had been chatting to moved behind him. "Jason. My name is Jason. I don't think we did not whole name thing yet."

Blaine spun around and kissed Jason. Jason kissed Blaine back. "Blaine my name is Blaine." Blaine breathed out when he took a break for air. He should feel ashamed that he was kissing another guy that was not his boyfriend in a bathroom of a bar on a school night but he honestly did not care, he felt numb to the pain for once.


End file.
